I was told by some how strong I am because I function in spite of my pain. Today was a first for me, in a support group (which I admit wasn’t being very supportive at the time) I was told I must not be in that much pain if I can function like I do.

Huh.

Who knew all this time when the pain has been so bad that I have been unable to do much  more than whine all day and cry about how much it hurts that I wasn’t really in pain at all. When the pain shoots down my legs and makes even standing or walking a few steps excruciating. I live in a wheelchair because I cannot stand safely without pain. I don’t know if you know what ankylosing spondylosis is, but it’s bad, bad pain, where the spine fuses and different people can be at different levels of that happening. Once it’s bad enough you can see it on x-ray, there is pain.

And boy, do I have pain.

But I made a choice a few years back that I could live with pain or I could do die while in pain, and I choose, I chose and I keep choosing to LIVE with the pain. Plus, movement is medicine. Or as my doctor said, making me snickers to myself, Motion is Lotion. I thought it was cute.

The more I move, the better I feel.  So I do wheelchair yoga the best I can. I need to  lose weight, so I’m watching my diet and exercising and moving as much as I can inside of the confines of pain limitations. Without pain meds, I’m not completely useless, but I sure feel that way….

But I manage with modifications. I learned a lot of that during rehab with my friends at ENCOMPASS  (hi gang! waving_) They taught me how to adjust expectations. I no longer seek to walk a marathon, just walk enough to get from the chair  to the bed. Or the toilet. You know, functional walking. I learned how to get into the car so now I can go places again and leave the house. I couldn’t do that when the van broke down. Man, I wish I had the money to fix the van.

My son helps me with cooking by bringing things to the table or reaching things too high for me to get to on my own. I treasure the time he and i spend doing this together because he will move out one day and I’ll have to do this all myself or with others’ help. But for now, I really enjoy the time with him.

But the point of this is functioning in spite of pain. It’s hard. I’m not trying to say it’s a cakewalk (which ironically would be impossible for me right now), but you can live with pain or you can curl up in a ball and give in to the pain.

I chose and choose to live, and surprisingly suffer less because of it.

There are days I can’t even THINK, it hurts so bad. But I choose to live. There are days sitting up takes all the effort I think I have left in me, but I sit up and I move and I DO something. Because I choose to live.

Don’t give in to the pain. CHOOSE  to live with it. Embrace the lessons the pain can teach you and then MOVE. Movement is medicine. Eat healthy. Drink quality water. Yoga stretches and light exercises. Your body needs it.

And don’t think I’m just an old lady who is saying this now. I’m ONLY 49…. might seem old to some of you but it’s still quite young in the scheme of things. I have 30 or 40 more years left if the CTEPH and heart failure doesn’t take me first. I’m too stubborn to die young. But when I was just 30, I  never thought I’d be here today and I certainly wish I’d taken better care of myself.

So if I can help one person think differently about their future, this blog post was worth the time and trouble. ‘Cause typing since the stroke is hard and takes a lot of focus and effort! I’m putting most of that into writing THREE: Infidelity, which will release on March 14th and is available for pre-order now! Check it out!

Love and stuff,

Michy