{"id":669,"date":"2014-09-05T02:57:56","date_gmt":"2014-09-05T02:57:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michelledevon.com\/?p=669"},"modified":"2021-01-06T02:59:00","modified_gmt":"2021-01-06T02:59:00","slug":"its-all-about-control","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michelledevon.com\/index.php\/2014\/09\/05\/its-all-about-control\/","title":{"rendered":"It’s All About Control"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is the third or fourth day of waking with intense pain so bad I can\u2019t think or even talk well. I had to wake someone up to get me a pain pill at about 5:45am. I couldn\u2019t sleep through it. When it happens in the morning early like that, I try to sleep through it, but I couldn\u2019t. I took a whole pain pill this morning, when I usually take a half of one. I was able about 20 minutes later to go back to sleep, and when I finally did wake around 9:15 or so this morning, I was doing better.\u00a0 I managed to get up and make breakfast. We\u2019re doing a managed calorie and nutritional diet, but my family doesn\u2019t really know that. I manage it through MyFitnessPal.com. I\u2019ve been enjoying using it. I\u2019ve lost 20 pounds since I started using the website. I love that. The family has loved the food. Everyone who has needed to lose weight has with it. That\u2019s awesome. If you want to see my recipe for breakfast this morning, you can\u00a0see it on my food and recipes blog here.<\/a><\/p>\n

The reason I do the food stuff is because it\u2019s one thing I can control about my health. I can\u2019t change the fact I have CTEPH. I can\u2019t change having congestive heart failure. I can\u2019t change having the Factor V Leiden gene mutation. I can\u2019t change having hypothyroidism. I can\u2019t change having adrenal insufficiency.\u00a0 I can\u2019t change having any of the other conditions or disorders that I have that come with being who I am and living with a terminal illness.<\/p>\n

What I can change though is other aspects that might have contributed to my being sick. They didn\u2019t make me sick, per se, but they contributed to my being sick. And I can\u2019t go back and change the past. But I can change the future.<\/span><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t control so many things in my life now, but this is something I can control. I can eat healthy food. I can manage my weight. I can manage the nutrition that goes into my body and make it the best it can be. I can exercise as much as I\u2019m able. I can do everything I can to be healthy by eating right, exercising right, taking my medication and supplements right, and improving my health conditions as much as possible. THAT is something I CAN control. So I do.<\/p>\n

And if, along the way, I teach my family to be healthier and happier and prevent them from going through what I\u2019m currently going through, so much the better.<\/p>\n

But also, like I told my good friend and fellow writer, Rissa Watkins, the other day\u2013there is so much now that I can\u2019t do any more like I used to. Cooking for my family is one thing I CAN do and I am pretty good at it. I\u2019ve made it more than just a cause for my and my family\u2019s health. It is a hobby now too, and I\u2019m good at it. And it feels good to be good at something again. It\u2019s tough when you\u2019re sick and you feel like you\u2019re losing so much all the time, every day something new, it seems, is taken away from you. Cooking for my family is something that I can do that wasn\u2019t taken away from me. I\u2019ve had to modify HOW I do it, but I can still do it.<\/p>\n

I mean, I sit at the table mostly and have my family bring things to me. When I cook in the kitchen itself, I use a desk chair and roll around the floor to cook. But it works. It keeps me from exhausting myself and allows the experience to be fun. Learning how to modify things in my life is just one thing people who are sick have to do. You learn to modify everything.<\/p>\n

I use a wheelchair when I go out in public. I use a shower chair when I take a shower. I use a rolling desk chair when I cook in the kitchen. I use oxygen all the time and have to turn it up when I try to exercise. Even when I go swimming, we have to move the extension cord and oxygen concentrator outside and drag the 50ft tubing across the rock garden to the pool so I can swim with the oxygen. Then the dog likes to try to bite and \u2018rescue\u2019 the tubing, and he gets tangled in it, and it\u2019s a real pain in the ass, but I love to swim and it\u2019s worth it for me to do it.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, I feel bad that my family has to modify so much for me, though. It\u2019s not like we can just pick up and go anywhere anymore. We have to plan everything. Are there enough oxygen tanks? Do we have the wheelchair charged? Will we be gone long enough to need your meds? Do you want to take any of your electrolyte drink with you? And on and on and on.<\/p>\n

Life changes when you\u2019re sick. It changes in great big huge ways that are obvious to everyone.<\/p>\n

But as I\u2019ve said so many times before on this blog, It changes in small ways that you don\u2019t even think about. And it\u2019s the little things that add up to mean the most and cause the most frustration and pain.<\/p>\n

All those little things\u2026 they add up.<\/p>\n

Anyway\u2026 that\u2019s just some rambling thoughts on my mind today. I guess I\u2019m feeling a little sorry for myself because it\u2019s been about six hours or so since I took my pain pill this morning, and I\u2019m really feeling the pain again. I hate taking pain pills to fight the pain, because they make my brain dull, fuzzy. They make me numb, in a sense, and I don\u2019t like that numb feeling. But I don\u2019t like pain more than I don\u2019t like numb. Pain makes me a bitch. You don\u2019t even want to know me when I\u2019ve been in long-term pain. Everything pisses me off. Ugh.<\/p>\n

But in reality, I try so hard to be upbeat and happy\u2013not fake happy, but real upbeat and happy\u2013and that\u2019s a hard thing to be when the pain is on top of you holding you down all the time. So I just popped half a pain pill, and I\u2019ll be contentedly numb soon enough, I hope. But I hate having to hope for numbness. I wish there were a better way. I wish they knew what was causing the pain.<\/p>\n

Pain, pain, go away, don\u2019t come again another day\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

Love and stuff,<\/p>\n

Michy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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