There was an episode of HOUSE a while back in which he makes some comment about how pain makes you make bad choices and that fear of pain was worse than that. I nodded my head knowingly at the time, but I\u2019m really beginning to understand this more than I would like. Pain doesn\u2019t really seem to stop me. It\u2019s the fear of pain that holds me back. When I\u2019m sitting in my recliner, tapping away on the laptop, and I\u2019m not really hurting, going along okay, and then I think about getting up or doing something, I know that doing it is going to hurt. Why? Because it always does hurt, always. Always.<\/p>\n
I mean, I cannot stand up with out pain. Sometimes it\u2019s mild pain but sometimes it\u2019s excruciating. I never know for sure until I standup which it will be. Sometimes, moving around is okay and sometimes it\u2019s horrendous. Again, never know until I do it. So there are days I sit in my chair and spend more time debating with myself than I do actually doing anything. I\u2019ll need to pee, but I know getting up is going to hurt, so I sit in my chair for as long as I can, until my eyeballs are floating, hoping the urge will go away, but since take Lasix (a diuretic \u2013 you know, a water pill), I know it won\u2019t go away, and in fact, I know it will just get worse, and the longer I wait, the worse it will get, so (taking a deep breath)\u2026 yeah.<\/span><\/p>\n It\u2019s the same for food, water, drinks and other things I need, including my medicine. If I lived alone, I don\u2019t know which would kill me first: dying of thirst, starving to death, or dying because I never take my medicine. If I lived alone, they\u2019d probably find me in a pool of my own piss, emaciated, and probably dead. And knowing my kids, it would take days before anyone found me. Again, knowing my kids, they might leave me there. They aren\u2019t very good at cleaning things up.<\/p>\n Now\u2026 now that I\u2019ve painted such a lovely bleak picture, you should know, I\u2019m really not a pessimistic person. In fact, there was a time in my life I was an irritatingly optimistic and happy person. Here recently, especially the last couple of weeks, I\u2019ve been really down. Down really, really low. Depressed, maybe, but not the way I\u2019ve been depressed before. I\u2019ve been crying a lot. Maybe in part grieving all I\u2019ve lost but in part I\u2019m being super emotional and I\u2019m not sure why.<\/p>\n I fell last week. I still have bruises from that. I was wet, naked and in pain, lying on the bathroom floor. I had to cover myself with towels so someone could help me. My daughter put my head in her lap and stroked my hair while we waited for them to get to me. I cried. I felt helpless and useless.<\/p>\n I was alone most of the day yesterday, for about twelve hours, with no car, no money and the only food was food that had to be prepared. I got a first-hand look at what my life would be like if I were alone. I felt helpless and useless.<\/p>\n And scared.<\/p>\n I am in so much pain and it\u2019s getting worse and they can\u2019t tell me why I\u2019m hurting, which means they can\u2019t fix it. And I\u2019m dependent upon other people for keeping me alive. I hate that, both for myself and for them.<\/p>\n When I start feeling whiny and pessimistic like this, I talk to people about it and they assure me I\u2019m not a burden, not dead-weight. I cook sometimes. I clean sometimes. I get the kids to clean when I don\u2019t do it myself. I write things, and I bring in some money. So it\u2019s not like I\u2019m a completely leech on my family here. It\u2019s just\u2026 I\u2019m not me, and that makes me feel helpless.<\/p>\n It\u2019s pride. It\u2019s ego. It\u2019s vanity. I was a single mom, raising two kids, holding down a job, saving money to buy a house, fighting to even get child support much less any help from absent fathers who were truly useless. I was strong. I was proud. I fought and I won and I succeeded. I was a criminal justice advocate. I fought for other people who couldn\u2019t fight for themselves. And now, I can\u2019t even get out of bed without help.<\/p>\n How did this happen? Why did this happen?<\/p>\n That is the journey I am on. I am so angry most of the time and so sad the rest of the time. I feel all the joy has been stolen from me.<\/p>\n I have my family, and I love them so much. I don\u2019t know where I would be without them. My best friend, Lynn, she\u2019s the most amazing person I\u2019ve ever known. I don\u2019t know what I did to deserve a friend like her. Growing up and well into my adult life I never had that good female friend but always kind of wished I had one. She\u2019s more than made up for spending most of my life without one. I won\u2019t trade her for anything. Ryan challenges me still, keeps my mind sharp, keeps me passionate about the things I believe in. He does that, and I think he probably doesn\u2019t even realize he does it still. Maybe that\u2019s why he\u2019s so good at it. My son\u2026 well, I can\u2019t say enough about him right now. That poor kid deserve a freaking metal for how amazing he is to and with me. He helps me with so much, from being my \u2018sous chef\u2019 when we cook together, which I love doing, to helping out around the house and helping with the animals. He\u2019s grown up so much the past couple of years and I\u2019m so proud of him.<\/p>\n And my animals. God, I love my Jakey. He\u2019s like a little human being, like a little toddler, but I can leave him home alone if I need to\u2026lol Wish you could do that with kids! (nah!) He\u2019s so sweet. He\u2019s learned to be gentle with me. When we play, you can tell he isn\u2019t as aggressive with me as he is everyone else. It\u2019s like he knows and remembers to be \u2018be gentle with mama\u2019, like he\u2019s been told. He will kiss my face in the mornings, wake me up all sweet. He\u2019ll lick my toes at night. He looks at me with those sweet puppy eyes. I love my doggie so much. The kitty girls are sweet too and I love cuddling with them.<\/p>\n I guess I\u2019m saying there are good things in my life. Great things, really, awesome things.<\/p>\n And I feel so guilty that I can\u2019t find my gratitude inside of me like I once did. I know, cognitively, I\u2019ve got these amazing wonderful people and things in my life, and all I can find to focus on is the negative things, how much I\u2019ve lost. How scared I am that I\u2019m going to lose more. The worrying about \u2018what if\u2019 \u2013 what if I can\u2019t ever feel good enough to write like I want to write. What if I can\u2019t travel like I planned to travel. What if I am not able to leave the house anymore, because it\u2019s too hard, too much trouble to pack up the wheelchair, the oxygen, and deal with the pain.<\/p>\n What if I don\u2019t survive this\u2026 what if I don\u2019t?<\/p>\n And that\u2019s the one that\u2019s scariest of all. Makes me think of this song, \u201cNo, I ain\u2019t afraid of dying\u2026 it\u2019s the thought of being dead\u2026\u201d Yep, I get that one.<\/p>\n Some nights, I won\u2019t go to sleep, because I\u2019m afraid I won\u2019t wake up. Some days I should probably go into the ER or the clinic, but I\u2019m afraid that if I do, they\u2019ll find something else wrong. I\u2019m convinced if I don\u2019t go in, then they can\u2019t find it and it\u2019s not real.<\/p>\n I know they say that if you live in the here and now, that fear, pain and doubt can\u2019t exist in the now. And that\u2019s true. So I sit here right now and in the \u2018now\u2019, if I don\u2019t move, don\u2019t breathe, don\u2019t blink, don\u2019t think\u2026 there is no pain and no fear. But you can\u2019t live your life doing nothing and expect to keep living. So\u2026 I fear the pain, because I know I have to keep moving. I fear the pain, because I know it\u2019s going to hurt.<\/p>\n I just don\u2019t understand WHY it has to hurt\u2026 I just don\u2019t think it\u2019s fair that it hurts.<\/p>\n Fear of pain makes you make bad choices.<\/p>\n Love and stuff,<\/p>\n Michy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" There was an episode of HOUSE a while back in which he makes some comment about how pain makes you make bad choices and that fear of pain was worse than that. I nodded my head knowingly at the time, but I\u2019m really beginning to understand this more than I would like. Pain doesn\u2019t really […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-600","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n