I have a doctor\u2019s appointment this morning in a little while. I don\u2019t want to go. I have to get stuck with needles again, and I don\u2019t want to go. Did I mention that I don\u2019t want to go? Some days, it\u2019s just so hard to make myself go get the bloodwork I need. I\u2019m tired of being stuck. I\u2019m a hard stick on top of it, but it\u2019s more a psychological thing, honestly, because it never hurts nearly as much as I think it\u2019s going to. It\u2019s never as bad as I worry it will be. I just get so worked up over it. I put it off for days, then weeks, then the doctors get mad at me for taking so long.<\/p>\n
Sometimes, it\u2019s anxiety, because I get scared. I\u2019m scared of what the test results might say or how the doctor might change my medication because of the test results and what the changes will mean for how I feel. When I feel lousy, changes are good, but when I\u2019m feeling okay, changes might be bad. I just don\u2019t have a lot of okay moments anymore.<\/p>\n
I\u2019M NOT SUPERMOM ANYMORE<\/strong><\/p>\n One of the hardest things to hit me the past couple of weeks is that my daughter, 23 years old, and a friend of hers, has moved in with us. My son is going to be 17 this month and he lives with me too. There are now more people in this house than there are bedrooms, and several more people than there are bathrooms, and we have three bathrooms! The people are almost outnumbered by the animals: Buffy\u2019s two cats, my son\u2019s cat, our dog, my daughter\u2019s two cats and their dog. That\u2019s seven animals. Don\u2019t even get me started on zoning laws and city ordinances\u2026 we\u2019re up to our eyeballs in litter boxes.<\/p>\n Then, because I cook the meals around here a lot of the time and because I have to do a special diet for my health, it seems that I have pretty much been waking up, making breakfast, cleaning up for breakfast, logging in to check email, the making lunch, eating lunch, cleaning up from lunch, taking care of animals, then logging in and checking email, then making dinner, cleaning up from dinner, and then finally falling asleep around 2am, waking again at about 5am, and starting all over again. I remember it being easier when the kids were little. I remember having more stamina, more energy, more time\u2026 hell, I used to work a full-time job in criminal justice advocacy, come home and work a part-time job of freelancing in the evenings and one weekends, all while raising two kids, going to school functions, outings on the weekends, and I cooked and cleaned then too. Granted, the house wasn\u2019t spotless, but we didn\u2019t live in a landfill either.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t keep up anymore. What\u2019s worse, at 23 and 17, my kids should be helping more than they do. It\u2019s disappointing to see that after all this time, I haven\u2019t seemed to instill in them the concept of cleaning up after oneself. Maybe having been supermom didn\u2019t necessarily do them justice.<\/p>\n Me, though, I\u2019ve lost so much\u2026 so much. I\u2019ve lost so much of me.<\/p>\n I\u2019M SO TIRED<\/strong><\/p>\n So I\u2019m tired. I\u2019m literally exhausted. I mean, who wouldn\u2019t be, right? Even in the best of circumstances, anyone would be tired with this new schedule, new routine, and then to top it off, my daughter goes and runs her car without any oil in it, and we had to give her rides to work all this week \u2013 well, she works an hour away from us! That\u2019s two hours to take her and drop her off and two hours to pick her up and return home, on top of the cooking, cleaning and keeping up with the house.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve gotten no work done, at all, the past two weeks.<\/p>\n MY HEALTH WORSENS<\/strong><\/p>\n And it hasn\u2019t helped my health any either. I\u2019m very weak right now. The muscles in my thighs and legs are nearly nonexistant. Buffy took me out to breakfast yesterday to Kelly\u2019s Country Kitchen (great food!) and when I went to stand from the table, I had no right leg. I had to hobble with help from the restaurant. You know, since I\u2019ve been on the prednisone, I\u2019d been using the wheelchair less, so we figured for a short trip inside the restaurant and back out, who needs the chair, right? So when it came time to leave, there was no wheelchair in the car to go get, and that left me hobbling out of the restaurant, with the eyes of all the patrons on me as I limped and moaned my way to the door. It\u2019s embarrassing. I know I shouldn\u2019t care, but damn it, I do.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve lost my looks, my body is falling apart, my legs barely hold me up, my hair, which is my vanity, is dry and dull and listless, and now I\u2019ve got everyone staring at me while I try to limp my way out of a restaurant. I was mortified\u2026<\/p>\n I\u2019M DEPRESSED<\/strong><\/p>\n Of course, I\u2019m depressed. I\u2019m overwhelmed. But at least I know that I\u2019m depressed and I\u2019m staying on top of it. But it\u2019s been 6 weeks since the doctor ordered these lab tests, and I haven\u2019t taken the tests yet. I need to do that. I\u2019m just so damned tired of being sick and being poked.<\/p>\n PUBLISHERS<\/strong><\/p>\n The one bright spot is that I did send off a book packet to a publisher that I\u2019d been wanting to send out. That\u2019s a great thing. Wish me luck with it. It\u2019s a great book.<\/p>\n Trying to get me to send something to a publisher or an agent is about as painful as going to the doctor and getting blood drawn at this point. Rejections sting, and sometimes you get bad news. I don\u2019t know which hurts worse. Some days I think I\u2019d rather have cancer than get another rejection. Not that I\u2019m putting THAT out to the universe or anything.<\/p>\n Well, I guess I\u2019d better go. My appointment is in 45 minutes and it\u2019s a half hour drive there.<\/p>\n Thanks for letting me whine this morning.<\/p>\n Love you all,<\/p>\n Michy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I have a doctor\u2019s appointment this morning in a little while. I don\u2019t want to go. I have to get stuck with needles again, and I don\u2019t want to go. Did I mention that I don\u2019t want to go? Some days, it\u2019s just so hard to make myself go get the bloodwork I need. I\u2019m […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,8,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-562","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","category-health","category-writing"],"yoast_head":"\n