I want to introduce you to an online friend of mine. It might be better to call her a PHriend, but many of you won\u2019t understand that. PH stands for the pulmonary hypertension that is part of the CTEPH that I have. It\u2019s a cute way our support group calls each other\u2026 we\u2019re PH-friends\u2013phriends. It\u2019s cheesy and it\u2019s cute. Anyway, I have this friend\u2013her name is Catherine Augustine. I met her on the PH support group forums.<\/p>\n
One day, I\u2019m positing along like normal, and I get this FB email from someone I\u2019ve never met before. It basically says, \u201cYou seem really cool\u2026\u201d and then just goes on chatting about stuff. Normal stuff, kid stuff, etc. This email is so full of life and excitement and joy and this upbeat positive attitude that I forget for a moment that this is a complete stranger to me and I just chuckle.<\/span><\/p>\n What the heck? I responded back similarly, and thus started a friendship. Sure, it was only online, but between emails and texts, I get to know this amazing person who, like me, suffered from CTEPH. Unlike me, Catherine, or Cat, as many call her, myself included most of the time, had had the PTE surgery in San Diego. Also unlike me, she had a type of sickle cell disease that exacerbated her PH and the PH that exacerbated her sickle cell. She spent weeks and months in the hospital suffering from nosebleeds, internal bleeding and pain. Oh, so much pain.<\/p>\n But the worst pain of all for her was not being home with her beautiful daughter, Ava, who had just turned four. I had sent a gift card to Ava for her birthday.<\/p>\n In the week leading up to that, Cat had overdone things. She had some ascites and fluid retention\u2013we commiserated about that, because it\u2019s so common for us with CTEPH. And then boom\u2013she sends me a message that she\u2019s in the hospital. Well, crap.<\/p>\n And then week after week, she\u2019s still there. All she can think about is getting home to Ava. But even through it all, she\u2019s upbeat, positive, and full of joy for life.<\/p>\n And then one day, I get this message that she\u2019s gone.<\/p>\n She died.<\/p>\n She just\u2026 died.<\/p>\n We were all so sure she would go home again, just like the times before. What the hell happened?<\/p>\n Okay, medically, I know now what happened. But that doesn\u2019t seem to make anything make sense for me. She was 31. She had a young daughter who needs her. She has family and friends who love her. She was always so happy, so positive, so wonderfully upbeat.<\/p>\n People like her aren\u2019t supposed to die, especially as young as she was. That\u2019s not supposed to happen.<\/p>\n And on a very selfish note, it brought the reality of this dreadful disease to the forefront to me. She\u2019d had the PTE surgery and survived that, only to be taken down by what? Pneumonia and an infection? Seriously? How is that fair? How is that right?<\/p>\n How scary is that?<\/p>\n I\u2019ve watched when others in the PH support group have passed. It happens. Some of them were elderly, some of them weren\u2019t and had been living with this disease for years, perhaps even a decade or more. It\u2019s always sad. But this time it was so much closer to home. This time, it was real to me. Too real.<\/p>\n I cried for an hour after I found out. Then I spent the whole day talking about her, reading and re-reading her emails to me. I felt guilty for not talking with her more when she was in the hospital. I felt guilty I\u2019d let so much time pass between the last time we talked, telling myself I was trying not to bother her while she was not feeling well. I felt like a horrible friend. I asked Cat to forgive me. Then I forgave myself, because that\u2019s the only thing you CAN do. Then I promised myself I wouldn\u2019t do that again with any other friends. I would learn something from her and be a better person because of her. She has made me a better person, both through her example and through my experience with her.<\/p>\n But that doesn\u2019t bring her back. My heart will always be just a little bit more broken than it was before, for the place where she held in my heart. My love goes out through the universe to her family and her little one. I hope Ava will somehow feel how much love there is in the world for her, how many people are praying for and sending her light and love and hope.<\/p>\n I hope you\u2019ll add your prayers and thoughts and love to mine.<\/p>\n