{"id":483,"date":"2011-05-26T02:38:13","date_gmt":"2011-05-26T02:38:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michelledevon.com\/?p=483"},"modified":"2021-01-02T02:53:37","modified_gmt":"2021-01-02T02:53:37","slug":"when-its-hard-to-be-happy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michelledevon.com\/index.php\/2011\/05\/26\/when-its-hard-to-be-happy\/","title":{"rendered":"When It’s Hard to be Happy"},"content":{"rendered":"

I sat in the doctor\u2019s office earlier this week and lied to him. I didn\u2019t mean to lie to him, but it had become so rote to say some of the things I\u2019ve had to say to doctors recently that I didn\u2019t even consider that things might have changed for me. When I first starting seeking help from doctors about how I felt physically, they would turn around and ask me how I felt emotionally, several of them offering antidepressants, like the only reason I wasn\u2019t feeling well was because I was depressed. I wasn\u2019t depressed, at least, not in the traditional sense.<\/p>\n

DEPRESSION \u2013 UGH<\/strong><\/p>\n

Those who know me know that I am prone to depression\u2013not sadness or sorrow, but real, honest-to-goodness clinical depression, which is a medical condition that has to do with the way the brain deals with certain hormones and chemicals.\u00a0Read more about this that I wrote here.<\/a> There ARE different types of depression and they have different causes. Some you can \u2018snap out of\u2019 and others you cannot, at least, not without help\u2013I don\u2019t care what Tom Cruise says. When one type of depression lingers too long, it can turn into the other type of depression. It\u2019s unfortunate we use \u2018depressed\u2019 as a \u2018mood\u2019 too, so that so many people get confused about what depression really is.<\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, my point is, doctors would see me and take my vague complaints: tired, fatigue, exhaustion, all over pain and aches, no energy, poor appetite, weight gain\u2026 they take those symptoms and look me up and down and say, \u201cOh, she must be depressed.\u201d<\/p>\n

I never was. I used to explain to them, \u201cIt\u2019s not that I don\u2019t want to do all the things I love and enjoy. I still very much want to do those things. Those things still bring me pleasure\u2026 I just CAN\u2019T do them anymore. I try, but I can\u2019t. I\u2019m physically unable to do them.\u201d<\/p>\n

I even went so far as to try the antidepressants twice over the past four-ish or so years that we\u2019ve been fighting these medical issues, hoping maybe they were right \u2013 I\u2019m willing to accept any cure here, even if it turns out to be that it\u2019s all in my head. Though I really don\u2019t know how edema and swelling and weight loss and weight gain, vomiting, body-wide pain, horrible headaches, muscle twitches and more are all \u2018in my head\u2019, but whatever. I don\u2019t care anymore what the cause is; I\u2019m only focusing now on the cure. Whatever it is, if it makes me feel better, I\u2019ll take it.<\/p>\n

THE LIE?<\/strong><\/p>\n

So I sat in the doctor\u2019s office earlier this week and said I wasn\u2019t depressed.<\/p>\n

But I lied. I am. I\u2019ve known it for a couple of weeks now and I\u2019ve been ignoring it. Then I started trying to fight it, but I know better. I can\u2019t fight it once it gets this far.<\/p>\n

It started as a low-level dullness, just a little grey spot in the back of my head that wasn\u2019t finding anything to be happy about. Then it spread. And it all culminated into yesterday morning when I lay in bed, just lying there, staring at a wall. I wasn\u2019t thinking. I wasn\u2019t upset. I wasn\u2019t happy. I wasn\u2019t anything.\u00a0 I don\u2019t feel anything when I\u2019m like this. I don\u2019t feel joy, happiness or love. I don\u2019t get angry. I don\u2019t feel sad. I don\u2019t feel anything. I feel like a lump, like a lump of nothingness, like I just exist and nothing more.<\/p>\n

See, that\u2019s what depression is for me. It\u2019s not sadness. It\u2019s nothing. It\u2019s a dullness and emptiness. It\u2019s the absence of caring. It\u2019s apathy to an extreme, in that I don\u2019t even care that I\u2019m apathetic.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen was the last time you wrote something, Michy?\u201d I asked myself. Yes, I talk to myself. Yes, I answer myself. No, I\u2019m not any crazier than you are.<\/p>\n

BEEN HERE, DONE THIS<\/strong><\/p>\n

When I was younger, I was nearly hospitalized for depression. It was deep, severe, and real. I didn\u2019t cry. I wasn\u2019t sad. I was simply nonfunctional. I\u2019d spend hours sitting on the couch, staring at a wall. Doing nothing. Nothing. I had no ability, desire or motivation to DO anything.<\/p>\n

Yesterday morning, I sat staring at a wall, for several hours, doing nothing. I had no ability, desire or motivation to DO anything.<\/p>\n

Uh-oh. Sounds familiar, eh? It should have been scary for me, but when I\u2019m like this, I don\u2019t feel fear. Remember, I feel nothing.<\/p>\n

So yeah, I am at least aware of the fact that I\u2019m depressed. I\u2019m trying to get out of it, but it\u2019s been days now, perhaps even a couple of weeks, and it\u2019s not something I\u2019m seemingly able to pull out of this time. So I guess it\u2019s time to go to the doctor. I hate this part of it. Why? Because they\u2019ll nod knowingly and think this is all depression and now when I go to the next doctor and they see I\u2019m on antidepressants, they\u2019ll dismiss all my symptoms as being depression related.<\/p>\n

This is a huge setback for me and that is very frustrating, or at least, it would be if I could even feel frustration.<\/p>\n

IT\u2019S TO BE EXPECTED<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t blame myself. I\u2019m not really upset about being depressed. To me, understanding what depression is, really helps. I know it\u2019s not a weakness. I know that situations can cause depression but that someone who is healthy can face the same situations and their body doesn\u2019t react this way; mine does. It\u2019s just a thing. It\u2019s not anything I\u2019m ashamed of. I learned a lot about depression years ago when I was so messed up, and I promised myself I\u2019d never let myself get that far down ever again, because now I know what to look for, now I know how it feels \u2014 or in my case, doesn\u2019t feel \u2013 to be depressed.<\/p>\n

With the health stuff, with the pain, with the doctors who can\u2019t agree on anything, with the back getting worse, with my mobility lessening, with the family stuff going on right now with R, G & L\u2019s family, and with my own frustrations about stuff too\u2026 I mean, depression isn\u2019t far-fetched, strange or whatever \u2013 it\u2019s perfectly understandable.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not that I\u2019m ashamed to get help. I\u2019m not. I don\u2019t think there\u2019s a single person out there, besides maybe Tom Cruise and the Scientologists, who would fault me for this.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s that I\u2019m so afraid that once I say I need help, everything I experience from this point forward with doctors becomes about the depression. It becomes important to me that the doctors can differentiate my symptoms and realize that I don\u2019t feel like I feel because I\u2019m depressed. I\u2019m depressed because I feel like I feel.<\/p>\n

Cause and effect, but they take one look at a middle-aged, overweight, depressed mom\u2026 and suddenly, my symptoms are relegated to nothing more than mood.<\/p>\n

So I ask, \u201cIf you were in pain every day of your life and nobody outside of your friends and family believed you or cared or even could agree on the cause, and especially when one doctor just took away the only thing that has so far made you feel even remotely better, wouldn\u2019t YOU be depressed too?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sigh.<\/p>\n

Cause and effect.<\/p>\n

So I\u2019ll see the cardiologist next week and later that week I\u2019ll see my PA, and I\u2019ll get help\u2026 in the meantime, will any of you sit and stare at the wall with me?<\/p>\n

Love and stuff,<\/strong>
\nMichy<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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