{"id":46,"date":"2019-11-24T23:46:12","date_gmt":"2019-11-24T23:46:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michelledevon.com\/?p=46"},"modified":"2019-11-24T23:46:12","modified_gmt":"2019-11-24T23:46:12","slug":"its-been-a-long-time","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michelledevon.com\/index.php\/2019\/11\/24\/its-been-a-long-time\/","title":{"rendered":"It’s Been a Long Time"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Posted by\u00a0Michy<\/strong>\u00a0on\u00a0Mar 23, 2016<\/strong>\u00a0in\u00a0Health<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0|\u00a00 comments<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"logo\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I will be doing an update this week. It\u2019s been hard to write here, because\u2026 my emotions have all been a jumble. I think I\u2019ve decided to consult an attorney about some of the things that happened to me medically at one of the facilities I went to, so I can\u2019t talk about a lot of that publicly until I decide, but once I do, I will be writing about it all along the way, because people need to know what they are getting into if they choose to hire an attorney to protect and defend their rights and interests.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the meantime, here\u2019s a post I put up on Facebook, unedited, about something that happened to me today when I went to have my pulmonary function tests. I\u2019m supposed to have them done once per year to measure how much things are changing, but it\u2019s actually been four years since I\u2019ve had them done (just another thing this other place did wrong). But the new place is doing it right, and I had them done today. I\u2019ll talk more about PFTs in another blog post (PFT \u2013 pulmonary function tests).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For now, here\u2019s my post from FB:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So after taking a header off the end of the wheelchair ramp in my 320 pound electric wheelchair (which thankfully Lynn managed to keep from coming down on top of me when the chair and i went off the ramp), I knew it was going to hurt\u2026. later. Right at that moment, I tucked (which must have been quite a sight, indeed), threw the oxygen canister one way, my cellphone the other way, and I went a third way and rolled. Thank goodness I did, or I\u2019d have landed on my hands and knees, and I know better than to do that\u2013the butt is padded (and how!), land on it! I rolled from my hip to my butt, and managed to miss any major damage (or so I thought).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I ended up lying flat on my back in the middle of the valet parking driveway. There are three lanes. I was in the middle one, just, you know, laying around, staring up at the concrete pillars above me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My friends, there was a brief moment when I thought: I can just close my eyes, lie here and not get up. Just\u2026. never get up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But before I knew it, four valet attendants, one hospital attendant and people from their cars waiting to be parked were all getting out and coming toward me. The only thing worse than falling a foot or so off a ramp is having a bunch of strangers all running toward you to put their hands on you\u2013and you\u2019re an anxious introvert! Nooooo! I can do it, thanks, nope, don\u2019t touch me, thank you, all right, I\u2019m fine, I\u2019m good, I\u2019m getting up, see, nothings broken ow, no, it\u2019s ow, i\u2019m ok-ow-ay!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It took three tries for me to get back into the chair from the ground, as I discovered that 1) I probably broke my big toe but at the least I dislocated it 2) the part of my foot and toe that I broke two months ago, though i thought was fully healed and was no longer hurting\u2026 when you flex the toes and put all your weight on them to lift your body off the ground, you realize those breaks aren\u2019t quite fully healed and still hurt and 3) it\u2019s really hard to get up off the ground using your hands are leverage when several people around you all are grabbing your arms and trying to \u2018help\u2019 you. I know they meant well, but they didn\u2019t know HOW to help and I almost fell over again! LOL<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I am actually quite grateful and pleased to see how kind everyone was. They were apologizing to me over and over, like it was somehow their fault I took a header off of MY wheelchair ramp with my chair. The ramp malfunctioned\u2013that is in no way their fault.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it got me to thinking about how we frequently apologize for things that we didn\u2019t even have a hand in. I think what we\u2019re trying to say is, I feel for you. I\u2019m sympathetic to what you\u2019re going through. I\u2019m grateful it didn\u2019t happen to me, even. We don\u2019t REALLY mean we\u2019re sorry when we say it over something like this. But to a near stranger, saying anything else feels too intimate and personal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But we do it to our friends and family too. I\u2019m sorry. I hate those words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

it doesn\u2019t mean I don\u2019t want someone to apologize when an apology is necessary, myself included, but I\u2019m taking the words: I\u2019m Sorry\u2013out of my vocabulary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

From now on, it will be something like, \u201cI\u2019m grateful you trust me enough to share your pain with me.\u201d instead of \u201cI\u2019m sorry you\u2019re hurting.\u201d Or maybe, \u201cThank you for cleaning up the mess I made.\u201d instead of \u201cI\u2019m sorry you had to clean that up for me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because I\u2019m sick and not able to do everything I want to do, a lot of times I feel guilty when people have to do things for me. I\u2019m changing the dynamic of that and moving to a place of gratitude about it instead. No more being \u2018sorry\u2019 for what I can\u2019t do. Instead, I\u2019m going to be grateful for what others do for me. i always HAVE been grateful, but the guilt gets in the way of gratitude. Maybe if i change the language, the feelings inside will change too. I\u2019m a writer. Language is everything to me. It\u2019s powerful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was what Lynn and I were discussing in the meditation room at the hospital today. I spent two hours in the meditation room, thinking, crying, talking. I needed the sensory deprivation that the quiet, cool room gave me. Away from my usual reality. I am so grateful to Methodist hospital for providing that to us. It\u2019s a lovely small room in the outpatient clinic. They have a chapel and a healing garden that are lovely too\u2013but this little room was what I needed today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, this was also after I learned that my lungs are working at 51% capacity of expected. It was 67% four years ago, so this is not good news. Also, four years ago, I showed only restrictive lung disease with perfusion defects. Now I\u2019m showing both restrictive and obstructive lung disease will both filling and perfusion defects. Which all pretty well sucks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it explains a lot too. The question is, why? Why are things getting worse without any acute \u2018events\u2019? Hopefully we\u2019ll find out when I see the pulmonologist. But that has been postponed because they wouldn\u2019t let me do the 6 minute walk test after the fall. I\u2019ll have to reschedule it for next week and then see the doc the week after.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the meantime, i start with the lymphadema clinic on Thursday for my initial assessment on getting the volume overload and fluid off my body. I\u2019m ready to get rid of all this excess weight and fluid now!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So pardon my ultra long post. I was going to put it on my blog (probably still will) but no one reads my blogs any more (pout) so I have shied away from them. Maybe because they are too long. Hell, maybe no one will read this, but it sort of feels good to write it out. So thanks for letting me have a venue to do that, and thank you so much for listening\/reading and caring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You guys posting and commenting as i go through these things\u2026 ya\u2019ll are the reason I get through them. Ya\u2019ll are the reason I keep going and don\u2019t just leave appointments sometimes. ya\u2019ll lift me up when I\u2019m lying on the ground staring at pillars thinking I\u2019m just going to lay there and never get up again. You guys get me up again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I love you for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

love and stuff,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Michy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Posted by\u00a0Michy\u00a0on\u00a0Mar 23, 2016\u00a0in\u00a0Health\u00a0|\u00a00 comments I will be doing an update this week. It\u2019s been hard to write here, because\u2026 my emotions have all been a jumble. 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