{"id":38,"date":"2019-11-24T22:30:09","date_gmt":"2019-11-24T22:30:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michelledevon.com\/?p=38"},"modified":"2019-11-24T22:30:09","modified_gmt":"2019-11-24T22:30:09","slug":"ptsd-does-it-ever-really-go-away","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michelledevon.com\/index.php\/2019\/11\/24\/ptsd-does-it-ever-really-go-away\/","title":{"rendered":"PTSD, Does it Ever Really Go Away?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I\u2019m sorry I missed posting the ending to the\u00a0blog about the PTSD trigger<\/a>. I actually passed out and fell on the floor, hit my head on a chair (it was cushioned!) and twisted my back, broke my big toe\u2013again\u2013twisted my ankle, and got a bruise on my hip and both my knees. It was hard to get up off the floor while shaky, I\u2019m weak anyway, and then with the pain from the fall. But I managed. Was stiff this morning, but I actually hurt more tonight than I did when I woke. Still pretty achy. But I\u2019m tough and I\u2019ll survive\u2013in fact, the cardiologist told Lynn after the wide-awake procedure that I was tough. Yay, me!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have to go to the cardiologist tomorrow, so I\u2019ll be sure to let them know what happened. It also means I need to finish this blog post up and get to bed. Yeah, we\u2019ll see how that goes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So where I left off, I was doing pretty good in the hospital. Been there over a week. More than ready to go home but happy with the progress we were making. I was expecting I was waiting for an open cardiac MRI, and along with the infection in my arm, we figured I was going to be there for a couple of more days, at least.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was okay with that, BECAUSE of the progress we were making and because I was feeling quite lousy still and figured there was something more wrong with me. I actually felt worse they day they discharged me than I did the day I checked in! Hotel Hell, I\u2019m telling ya.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But about the PTSD\u2026. okay, it\u2019s not like me at all (sarc) to get off subject like this. (\/sarc)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was doing really good with the PTSD from the horrible procedures and problems I had at UTMB while I was spending this visit at Methodist. Every good procedure at Methodist, every good nurse, every good doctor brought \u00a0me closer to feeling better about things and less fearful. I mean, come on, everyone is going to be a little nervous before a procedure of any kind. It\u2019s human nature, but most people aren\u2019t as frozen terrified with flashbacks and such like I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then the doctor I loved, the dynamic, beautiful, statuesque doctor in the flashy clothes and high heels and gorgeous jewelry, with a wit and intelligence that was obvious to her, this woman I respected and even LIKED\u2026 she triggered my PTSD without even realizing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To understand what happened, you might need to understand what happened during the IVC filter placement at UTMB, when the anesthesiologist stood over me, while I was strapped down on an operating table, with no sedation, frightened and upset because nothing was happening the way I was TOLD it would happen\u2026 and she screamed at me, \u201cDo you want to die? Because that\u2019s what\u2019s going to happen. You\u2019re going to die\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now\u2026 there was absolutely no reason for her to behave this way. And in fact, the thing this anesthesiologist THOUGHT was wrong with me was not something I was dealing with\u2013which might be why she disappeared through the procedure and left her student to monitor me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I don\u2019t want to talk about her. If you want to know more about that procedure and nightmare, <a href=”http:\/\/dyingtolive.michelleldevon.com\/i-didnt-want-to-lie\/\u201d>you can see here and read about how it affected me. And this wasn\u2019t the worst one. Just the first one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So when this doctor I liked came in to talk to me, I know she meant well and she meant to impress upon me how urgent my health is. I was hesitant about the cardiac MRI. She could see it. I was considering refusing it and having them figure out another way. She was worried about the fluid\u2013seriously, over 150 pounds of fluid, 90 or so of which came on in a little over a month (yes, this is documented by the health professionals, and no, it wans\u2019t a broken scale\u2013if you\u2019d seen me, you\u2019d have noticed it, believe me, it was noticeable.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So she said to me something I\u2019m sure she meant to drive home, to show the urgency of the need for the testing and for me to lose this fluid weight and to get more active and get my body moving and functioning more normally again\u2026. she said, \u201cIf we don\u2019t get a handle on this, I mean, you\u2019re going to die. I\u2019m just being honest, here. You\u2019re going to die.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And she said it firmly. Not angrily. She didn\u2019t yell it, but she was definitely intense about it. I know, I know, I know her intent was to be helpful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But that\u2019s not how you motivate me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And instantly, I was whisked away to lying on a flat operating table, strapped down, my arms out in a T, crying, with someone screaming in my face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I realized that no matter how far you come, PTSD can ALWAYS drag you right back. And it doesn\u2019t have to be a big thing that triggers you. Sometimes it\u2019s just a word or a phrase or a flash of a memory.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But after that, I really wasn\u2019t engaged in talking with her. I really didn\u2019t hear anything else she said. I was no longer this active, involved patient, but was like a child, afraid and waiting for my punishment. I HATE feeling like that. I hate feeling out of control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I needed to tell her that was not how to motivate me. Fear and urgency only increase my anxiety. Fear or death or dying only shuts me down and immobilizes me. What I need is to be told that there\u2019s hope. I need to be told that I CAN improve if I try. I need to be told exactly what I need to do and what to expect as results if I do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n