I am strong when I am on your shoulders….you raise me up to more than I can be.

That’s how I feel about my Facebook friends. When I’m having a bad time, I can post about it and get the support II need that I don’t always get at home. Lynn is wonderful, don’t get me wrong–I could (and have) sung this song to her.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains…

I would be dead if not for her. She has totally and completely saved my life. More than once, in general, over the years, even going in debt to help me pay for medical bills that accrued quickly when we were looking for answers but I didn’t have medicare yet. We went through the money fast during those times.

America sucks when it comes to medicine. We are the only free country without some kind of subsidized medicine program. It’s insane that it’s the way it is. There are literally thousands of people on Gofundme who are looking for the funds to pay for medical bills or as a deposit for a surgery. I’ve been one of those people. The link to my gofundme is here. Thank you to Deb Dera for organizing it–it paid the deposit for one of my surgeries, but the bills are still coming in from every doctor who sees me in the hospital. They bill insurance and then I get the copay, and when you’re in ICU with a collapsed lung and kidney failure (class 3a kidney failure), and you just had open-heart surgery, it means a lot of doctors come in and see you. And they are specialists, so they cost a lot more. For less than 10 minutes of their time in my room I’m billed upwards of 300 or more dollars just for the visit. They don’t even DO anything, just stop in to see how I’m doing. I guess I’m paying for ‘if’ something goes wrong.

I have thousands of dollars of medical bills and I am on a limited income and yet I no longer qualify for Medicaid because I literally make too much money from social security. There’s a gap in coverage and I fall right into that gap because Texas, years ago, refused the Medicaid expansion and so I’m shit-out-of-luck.

I know, I know, I’ve complained about this a lot in the past but it’s such a burden on people to get sick. You don’t do it on purpose and there’s nothing you can really do to prevent it. You can try to stay as healthy as you can, but I never asked to throw blood clots and end up with massive pulmonary embolisms completely filling my lungs. That’s how it all started for me, and I’m lucky–I didn’t die. A lot of people who have pulmonary embolisms die from an acute condition lovingly called “sudden death”. I survived, if you can call what I’m doing surviving.

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas…

I can’t walk. I can barely stand, but I can do it. I’m in pain all the time, but I smile and joke and laugh and love…. I’ve lived to see my son start college and my daughter graduate from college. I want to live to someday see grandkids. My son has assured me he wants kids some day, so we’ll see what happens and if I live long enough to see that happen–I certainly hope so.

I’m not lazy, but I can’t DO anything. I can’t even really cook anymore like I used to. I’m weak and my hands tremble horribly making it hard to even type. I keep double tapping keys and having to go back and erase the extra letters, and it really slows me down. I can barely feel my fingers on my left hand from the neuropathy but at least that’s not as bad as the neuropathy in my legs that makes it where I can’t feel my feet, but they hurt all the time. How is that fair, can’t feel anything but pain.

But I finished a book even against these struggles. I finished a book and I have three  more in various stages of completion and one more than I’m shopping around. I’m editing the book I just finished. It needs a lot of work but I finished it. I did it. In spite of all the obstacles, I did it. And that makes me happy to be alive, knowing I can still fulfill my purpose. Writing for me is a calling. It’s my dream job. I publish books under other names on Amazon just so I can have the time to write the books I want to publish under my real name. Crazy, but true.

So I guess it’s all not so bad much of the time. I just have to get past the depression that keeps me down. I’m not ashamed to talk about it but I get tired of fighting it sometimes. When I get too tired, I turn to my  blog and write posts like this one to purge how I feel to you guys and then you lift me up.

Love and stuff,
Michy