Motion

Perpetual Motion…

Imperceptible Movement…

We are both in the same moment constantly in motion but barely moving, everything changing so that everything stays the same… one thing leading to another, leading back to the same thing again. It seems no matter how hard we try to break out of the circles we have drawn for ourselves, we find that we simply keep going round and round. The view is different and the seasons change, but the road we travel down usually remains the same, unless we make a conscious choice to depart from the path.

It took me a lot longer to get here this time, but I find myself once again on the same path I’ve been on so many times before. It’s been so long since I’ve been here that I had hardly remembered what the scenery looked like. It tricked me, my mind did, into thinking that perhaps this time I was on a different path. But alas, I am not on a
different path, merely seeing things a bit differently. The perspectives have changed, but everything else remains the same.

The feelings inside, they remain the same, solid, frozen in time, unable to thaw, unable to change, unable to release the pent up well of anger, frustration and disgust inside. Toward me. Toward circumstances. Toward fate. Toward… toward everything.

Is there love? Yes. Where is it though? I know it’s there. Sometimes it peers its head up and lurks around a bit, teasing me, making me realize that there is so much more out there. I can sense it, almost see it, almost reach it.

Then, just when I think I have a grasp on it, I reach out, and it’s like touching a puddle of water. I watch the ripples expand out and then when the water calms again, I see no love there—just my own reflection, and there is no love for myself.

Empty.

Vast expanses of shallowness with the pits of deep emotion so tightly drawn up that no one can enter, yet stretching out, onward forever, if one just fights hard enough to break through the surface that is used to protect the entrances. For you, there is nothing I wouldn’t give. For you, there is nothing I wouldn’t do. For you, there is nothing I wouldn’t suffer. For you.

For you.

Do you know this? Can you feel this? Can you sense or see this? And yet, you shut me out…you ridicule, you mock me,you gossip, you taunt, you tear, and you tease me.

Why?

I know what I did. I gave up my nights. I gave up my sleep. I gave up my sorrow, my comfort, my love, my happiness, my caring, my concern, my help, my friendship, my heart, my soul.

Me.

I gave you me. For once in my life there was the real me, the me I knew I was and could be. The me that I rarely let out because it is so misunderstood. The me that is so pure that this world cannot trust it, because people like this—selfless and true—simply do not exist. So therefore it must not be true. It must not be real. I must not be real. Yet, for you, for the first time, I was real.

You made me real. You read my words, you felt my heart, and you made me real. You drew life into me and made me real.

But I walk away in shame. Believing the things you say of me. Crying for the words you used, the anger you threw, the lack of acceptance and empathy that comes from misunderstanding.

I look around the path that is this circle of life I must walk and I realize, yes, indeed, I have been here before. The names have changed. The faces this time were not seen, but they were there, reading me, watching me, trying to understand me… different this time, but somehow still the same.

For a time, there were those who walked with me. I look around and I see that I am walking alone now. But wait.

What was that movement? I see one step out, and she comes to me, and she takes my hand. She looks at me and she says, “I will walk with you.”

I cannot move. I cannot speak. I’m overwhelmed by emotion. She guides me, leads me… not by force, not by will, but through love. And as we walk hand in hand, I slowly lift my head and look forward at my path, and without even realizing it, I feel another begin to follow. Then he comes to stand by my side, holding my other hand, and he smiles at me. And then another, and yet another come to walk this path with me.

I realize that while the path never changes, those who travel it with me do not have to stay the same. The scenery is amazing when you finally lift your head and look around, but it’s not the trees, or the brook babbling, or the birds…. it’s not the sun, it’s not the sky.

It’s the faces and hearts and the love of those who walk this path with me that are beautiful to me. I feel them. I still see the pitfalls in the road. The danger, the warning signs. These friends on my path will not protect me from the fall, they will simply pick me back up when it happens.

Perpetual motion… Imperceptible movement…

And the circle keeps going round and round… I am not alone. You are not alone. Thank you for walking this path with me.

I walk now

Forward

Unafraid

Down the path neglected

Looking for love

Divinely

Resurrected

Redemption.