When they rip holes on your walls, you find interesting things, like insulation and cords and wood panels and inside of window seats, sometimes you find a beer can. From the date of this Miller Lite can, it’s about 30 years old. Isn’t that the craziest thing to find in the bellows of your house? Someone suggested it was left there on purpose for the next person to work on the house to find. A sort of good luck omen left for the future construction gurus. But that wouldn’t be an empty beer can to leave for a good omen–you’d leave a full one.

I think it’s more likely the people who painted and boxed in the window seats thirty years ago used it to stash a beer when someone walked in on them drinking on the job.

But I’m feeling a little jaded right now, so maybe that’s tainting my romanticism of it all.

The drying fans to remediate the water are finally gone! It’s so nice after a week of noise to finally be able to hear myself think. I sat here tonight with my headphones on and no music–just basking in the silence, the golden silence. I just sat back and enjoyed that even the birds were quiet for a change. It’s like they knew I needed the silence for a time. They are being chirpy and noisy now, which is fine with me now, but they were quiet when I really needed it.

On another note, I should be in the hospital. If not for the house situation, I would be in the hospital. I’m fluid volume overload again. I’ve done everything I can to mitigate it on my own and it’s just not happening. I tried to walk to the bed earlier today and got winded just from that short walk and desatted down to 88. When I laid down in bed, I desatted to 85 on 8 liters of oxygen….I had a panic attack. Couldn’t breathe.

I keep watching that TikTok that says “we know when ya’ll faking”… sigh. I was having a panic attack, looked a lot like her being out of breath, and there wasn’t anyone in the house but me to put on a show for. I wasn’t showing it up for anyone.You can’t tell when someone’s faking all the time and a panic attack and being short of breath are two different things. In my case, they happened at the same time. Being short of breath triggered the panic attack. Every time I’m out of breath I think about that video and worry what if I’m not believed? My sats show I’m not faking. But still, it was disgraceful.

I took an anxiety medication, Klonopin, clonazepam is how I think that is spelled in the medical name of it. I hate when I have panic attacks. I can’t control them. I don’t want them. They aren’t really even true anxiety–sometimes, it’s honest to goodness fear, fear I won’t be able to catch my breath. Fear I will die this time, that this time will be the time that my breath doesn’t come back and I can’t get stabilized again. Fear that this is the time I will have to call 911 to come and take me to the hospital that is not my hospital. My hospital is an hour’s drive away. Ambulances won’t take you that far. You go to the closest hospital that is in your area. So I could still go to Methodist, but I’d have to go to Methodist St. Johns, instead of Methodist downtown. There’s a world a difference between the two and my lung doctors are at the main hospital. They would eventually have to transport me to the other hospital.

I think about that cost and the trouble of it. And I panic when all these thoughts come into my head at the same time. So it is anxiety, but it’s fear-based anxiety, and it hits hard and fast with no warning.

I’m going to try to take metolazone tomorrow and see if I can get some fluid off of me without having to go into the hospital. Last time I tried it, it helped and made it to this far. But with the combination of eating fast food that’s horrible for you and full of sodium (believe me, I could taste it)… and not sleeping well because of the fans and getting up early every morning because construction guys or quote guys were coming over…. and now I’m just fluid overflowing…. my eyes and nose are even watering!

Wish me luck…  I’m trying not to have to go in this time if at all possible, or at least to wait until after the plumber comes and we can take a break for a week or two and let me go into the hospital and then come home. I’d have to go alone though, since they won’t let visitors stay with you right not because of covid. I don’t want to go in alone if I can avoid it. That makes me anxious too.

So I’m one great big ball of anxiety right now…. the medication helps a lot, and I’m much calmer.

In the meantime, send your love and good juju my way–I could sure use it right now!

I love you all. Thanks for giving me something to hold on to in the darkness.

Love and stuff,

Michy