It comes in all forms and, grief does, and there’s no one way or right way to grieve. Everyone does it differently.

I’m constantly grieving the loss of things in  my life, grieving the things I can no longer do, grieving the things I’ve physically lost, grieving people lost to me threw moving or death, grieving the changes in relationships.

I lost a house when I moved to the Houston area. I miss that house. It wasn’t fancy, but it was mine and it was cute and cozy, three bedroom, two living areas, a fireplace and the need for a little TLC that I was doing on my own. Shortly after selling the house, the water main broke under the back living room floor and it cost over $8000 for the new owners of the house to have to fix it. I lucked out on the timing even if I did feel a little guilty about it. I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s something that had nothing to do with the care of the house, just a freak thing that happened. I’m glad it didn’t happen before we sold the house.

I started thinking about this because my best friend, Lynn, recently lost her mother. She’s grieving that death at the same time that they are preparing to sell the family home. She’s grieving the loss of that home now even before it’s sold. She’s surrounded by the things in the house that she remembers and gets to spend time going through those things.

I didn’t tell her this but I never got to go through my things. My daughter packed up my things and I never got that chance to walk through the house and relieve the 10 years of memories that I made there. I loved my little cottage home, but it’s gone now.

In its place is a nice, big brick home with a pool and a garden area and banana plants and our bedrooms and three bathrooms and it’s nice with a fireplace that we can never use (because of the birds) and it’s a gorgeous home really in a sweet and quiet suburban neighborhood. I should love this house and some p art of me really does.

And while I’ve lived here almost 12 years now, going on that, I still miss my little cottage house. It was my home. It was me. Cute, with the need for a little TLC.

And off and on, I still have this sadness over the loss of these things that I replaced with better things. It’s like you will always remember your first care fondly but that  doesn’t mean you would want to drive it again instead of your new fancy car.

That’s another thing… I lost my car. I had a red Chrysler Sebring and it was wood grain interior with fancy speakers mounted in the trunk. It was a sweet ride. I sold it a few years ago for cheap. It was 10 years old when I sold it, but it had been two years old and in pristine condition when I bought it. It was the first car i bough and paid or myself. That meant something to me. I had bought another care before it through one of those pay here, job’s your credit car lots and the car broke down before I paid it off! Oh, to be young and broke! Now I’m old and broke! LOL

I don’t drive any more. About five years ago, I stopped being able to feel my feet I figured driving isn’t very smart when you can’t feel your feet. I’m in a wheelchair now and don’t know that I could drive at all even if I wanted to try.

Just one more thing that I’ve lost. I used to love to get in the car, turn up the music and drive. I could clear my soul and clear my mind and sing out my heart loudly and no one could hear but me. I could do a whole concert in the car all by myself.

I don’t have that any more. I don’t get to take walks after dinner while holding RT’s hand and strolling through the neighborhood. I can’t walk at all now without a walker and then only very short distances.

I’ve lost so much.

I grieve those losses. And now I see others have lost things too. How do you get past it when the losses are alll around you? I don’t know. I just don’t.

But I know that every day I try. I work to feel better physically, emotionally, mentally — to heal my soul. I try to focus on the good around me and what I DO have instead of what I don’t. I try to be optimistic.I do try.

But recently, I’ve been so depressed. I’m looking at finding a talk therapist just so I have someone to talk to. Someone safe to vent to about how I feel. I’m grieving and I need somewhere to go with that.

Anyway, no point to all this, just talking aloud about how I feel.

I love and need you all!

Love and stuff,

Michy