For those of you who learned about it in college, or who are avid fans of the Big Bang Theory (love that show!), you know about Schrodinger’s cat. It’s basically about how, when you have this cat inside a box, that until you open the box, the cat exists in two different states at the same time. The cat is either alive or dead, and you won’t know until you open the box. So thus, the cat is either both alive and dead or both dead and alive, at the same time. Once you open the box, only one of those possibilities actually is the true state, but until you open the box, both of them exist.

That’s where I am today while waiting for these tests results to determine if I have cancer. I exist in a state where I both do and do not have cancer at the same time. I have, over the past week, spent a lot of time thinking about what I would do, the plans I would make, the doctors I would see, etc., if the test results came back showing I had cancer. I also spent a lot of time thinking about what I would feel like and how I would proceed with treatment of my symptoms if it came back that I did not have cancer. After all, I still have the symptoms that led us to seeking a diagnosis of cancer in the first place. If there is no cancer, what’s causing those symptoms?

So for the past week, I have been existing in a state of two possibilities at the same time: I both do and do not have cancer, at the same time. Schrodinger’s Cancer.

The interesting thing about this phenomenon is that I don’t know which one of those possibilities I want this to be.

You see, some people might think it’s crazy to hear someone say, “I wish I had cancer…” or “I hope the test results show cancer…” but I’ve actually contemplated those exact words this past week. Of course, I also contemplated the craziness of saying that as well. Trust me, if you’ve ever been in a position of waiting for test results, you will know what I mean.

But here’s the thing: I have some symptoms that are tough to deal with. For example: I have irritable bowel that has been tentatively diagnosed as interstitial cystitis, and if I do have the type of cancer they are testing for, then the irritable bowel is likely being caused by the cancer. Thus, treat the cancer, and the ibs goes away. But if I don’t have cancer, then that means I’ll be fighting interstitial cystitis the rest of my life.

It’s the same with several of the other symptoms I have too. And the good news is, the type of cancer they are testing for is a slow growing, not-very-aggressive cancer, that is usually highly treatable, and depending on what type, it’s also likely curable… so it’s not the worst possible news in the world. After all, treat the cancer, feel absolutely lousy during treatment, cure the cancer, cure the cancer-related symptoms, and go on and live a good life (while still dealing with the CTEPH, though (pout) can’t get rid of that one so easily).

So in this respect, having cancer wouldn’t be such a horrible thing.

That means, I don’t know what to ask the universe for! Do I ask for cancer that is easily treatable so I get rid of all the other symptoms and problems? Or do I ask to be cancer free, but then have to hunt down the reasons for the other problems individually? So I simply ask for the best outcome for the greatest and highest purpose for all concerned. It’s all you can do.

The first test they did last week came back today in the normal range. This isn’t a very specific tests for Carcinoid Syndrome, but it’s a good starting point. One of the meds I take naturally lowers this level in the urine test, but still, I wasn’t close enough to the high marker for it to matter. The test was normal, so it’s likely not this type of cancer. That leaves paraneoplastic syndrome… and I haven’t even started the testing for that yet.

So this is going to take some time and a whole lot of patience. One of those things I have…. the other? Not so much.

Love and stuff,

Michy