I was doing some reminiscing the day, thinking all the way back to high school. I think in life I’ve forgotten more than I remember, but there are certain things that really stick out. People, who I remember fondly for various reasons, are at the forefront of my thoughts. Not all of these people would think of me as fondly as I do them. I do wonder if they ever think of me and wonder how I am. Until very recently, with name changes and time and moving, and leaving my past behind me, I would have been hard to find online. I’m still not easy to find if you knew me then and missed the changes, but it’s not impossible.

I’ve been reaching out to people I used to know, finding them online, catching up and seeing how they grew up. Childish high school and junior high antics shouldn’t matter when you’re nearly 50 years old. I guess as I keep reaching out, finding people, I’ll discover if that’s truly true or not.

I had a best friend in junior high. Her name was Elva. I’ll skip last names so as to not out anyone in real life, but I got caught up with a guy who spread some nasty rumors about me and she believed them over me and that was the end of our friendship.  I would have thought she would have known me better than that. She was my best friend. I would have supported her no matter what. She never told me what was wrong, just said one day that we weren’t friends anymore. How could my best friend not know me well enough to know the rumors weren’t true?

I had another friend named Tabitha in junior high who was my best friend in elementary school, two redheads, we were bound to be friends. But one day she came up to me and said, “I don’t want to be best friends with you anymore.” Unlike Elva, at least she told me why. She had started hanging out with a different crowd of people and they thought I was too much of a nerd for their group. I was the prissy little rich girl from private school that hadn’t grown up with them. I never quite fit in with anyone in junior high, so those two losses were tough to take. At least Tabitha came to me and was friend enough to tell me to my face. The problem with her ending our friendship was that said she was afraid to tell me because she thought I’d kick her ass. Me. I’ve never kicked anyone’s ass and I am far from a violent person. How could my best friend not know this about me?

I think that set a pattern in my life. If people weren’t going to see the real me, what was the point of being so open and risking getting hurt. I took that into my adult life and friendships and romantic relationships. I kept friends for a short time, gave them everything I felt safe in giving, and then cried when they would inevitably leave on to other things, sometimes with explanation, sometimes just  drifting apart.

I’ve managed to stay friends with all but two people I’ve dated seriously for any length of time. It’s something I’ve always been proud of. I’ve never understood how you go from loving someone to hating someone. You might discover you’re not compatible any longer, but that shouldn’t mean you trash each other. I’ve just never understood that.

Those two that I’m not friends with doesn’t include my son’s father, who is currently facing criminal prosecution for sexually molesting my children when they were young. I can tell you in this instance, it’s easy to learn to hate. I tried for a long time to finally let go of the hate inside me for him for what he did to my kids and to me. But forgiving is hard. I have to constantly remind myself that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not something you extend to another and hate is a poison that does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than to the object upon which it is poured.

Cliche? maybe, but the two sayings above help me get through the toughest times when I’m the angriest.

Melissa was another friend that just sort of drifted away. I’m friends with her on Facebook now but we’re not close like we used to be. She changed in ways that I don’t recognize in her, and yet she seems happy, so who am I to judge? I’m different too. We all change. I just miss her.

Then there was Sarah. I know what happened there. She had a life crisis and I just wasn’t strong enough to see her through those changes.I feel like I absolutely failed as a friend but I gave it everything I had. I just was a flawed human being who had her own issues and I watched her slip away from all of us. I friended her on Facebook and we talked briefly but then she disappeared again and I have no idea where she went. I think of her often and worry about her.

Kim, from Odessa when I lived there was another on again off again friend over the years. She was in a bad spot when I moved and we lost touch after that. I wouldn’t even have a clue how to find her.

I owe an apology to Eric. Same thing, wouldn’t know where to find him and he has such a common name it would be impossible to hunt him down online. I’ve always secretly hoped he would find a way to find me and I’d have a chance to talk to him one more time. I have so much I need to tell him. So much has changed, and he’s one of the few people who knows a me that I’m not proud of. I’d like him to see what I’ve become and where my life has gone and I’d rather like to know how his has gone too.

Becky, I owe the most. She accepted me for exactly who I am and never expected me to be anything but me. She’s probably close to the best friend I’ve ever had, with the exception of Lynn right now, who has been one of my longest contiguous relationships. Between the two of them, I’ve had a best friend for the past twenty-plus years, Becky for the first half and Lynn for the second. I still talk with Becky in email, but it’s not the same as when we used to hang out and cruise the town. There’s nothing like shopping with Becky. I still laugh thinking of some of the antics we got ourselves into.

Robin, Christy and Kristy, Andrea, I mean, I can go on and on, a list of people I’ve known over the years who are no longer in my present life. Some of them I would like to see again and some I would not. For various reasons.

I think the holidays are making me think of friends, past, and present. I am a makeup of all the people I have known in my life. They have helped shape me in some way along in my journey. I’m feeling nostalgic. Some loneliness. Covid and disability keeping me inside and alone right now. I miss having friends I hang out with. Lynn’s in Colorado with her ailing father, so it’s just me and the kids. I love my kids and they have become contemporary friends as I’ve aged and they have too. But it’s not the same as having a good friend to pal around with.

I love my Facebook friends because they keep me active and busy talking to people. I think I’d go insane if I didn’t have Facebook. You see all these articles about how Facebook is keeping us apart and for many, that might be true but for those of us with disabilities and for many elderly, Facebook is a lifeline to a life of some sort. I really depend upon my interactions.

I had a computer that was starting to give out on me, and Lynn said I had to get another computer because basically, my entire social life is on Facebook and the internet. It’s how I talk with her and Ryan when they are out of town–skype is cool, better than zoom any day ’cause it’s free and unlimited. And ’cause I know how to use it! She said it was my lifeline, and she’s right.

I would have never guessed back in the day that my best friend would be a computer in my living room, but so it does seem…

I don’t have anything else to say.

Love and stuff,

Michy