I’ve Decided to Start My Life Over

You know, a do-over. We all have wished we could do it, but I know the reality of it is that I can’t really start over. I’ve written before that pain and suffering is a necessary evil. There must be balance, and pain teaches us where there is an error in our thinking, in our processing, in our feeling so that we may make an effort to change.

I realize more than you know that I need my pain. It is what I touch when I write. It is what brings out the very best in me at times. It is also what brings out the very worst in me too. What I do know now is that I have a choice. I can choose to touch my pain and control how I respond to it, or I can choose to let it control me instead.

So I’m starting over, and yes, I’m carrying my past and my pain with me, along with my joy and happiness. I claim my peace in my life now. I claim it! It’s mine, and I choose what I will and will not allow into my experience.

I decide what works for me and where I want to go and how I choose to respond to things. I have a choice. There are things from my past I will not carry with me. I leave them behind, because they serve no purpose in my life, but I claim my pain, and I carry it with me proudly.

I don’t always like the options from which I have to choose, but they are my choices, and just knowing that gives me power and strength.

To those who choose to stay stuck, I wish you the best, but I will move past you. It’s not that I don’t care, and it’s not that you and your pain don’t matter to me. I’m simply choosing not to get stuck with you.

I have a beautiful life that many would be envious of if I would only allow myself to fully experience that life. Now is my time… it is my turn. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I will fly.  Won’t you fly with me? The scenery is beautiful when you see it from above and even more so when you choose to land and experience it.

I know, deep in my heart, I loved well. I may not have loved how someone else wanted me to love. I may not have done everything right. I may not have been who someone else wanted or hoped I would be, but I have no doubt in my heart that I loved well. In truth, that is all I ever really wanted. I have been the jack-in-box for too long. Push me down into my box, and then wind me up, and each time I pop out, I am whoever or whatever I thought you wanted me to be. When that was not what you wanted, I let you shove me back into my box and tried again. I lived for you, and I was miserable, and now I will live for me.

Maybe you will learn to love me for who I am, and not who you tried to make me or who I tried to be for you. I am not for you. I am for me, and I can choose to give myself to you, how I choose, when I choose, and in the way I choose. You can no longer take me from myself for your own personal use. I decide when I give, how I give.

I choose for me.

So I call a do-over. I start my life anew.

I choose.