I don’t think people talk about suicide enough. It’s this shameful thing that nobody wants to face or discuss. To the point that I know parents who lied about how their child died when she killed herself–all her friends knew better, but the mom was insistent on concocting a story that was easier for her to talk about than the truth. Maybe, just maybe, if her mom had been willing to talk about suicide before she killed herself, it might  never have happened.

I need to preface this post with: I am not suicidal and I do  not have suicidal ideation. I’m not thinking about this  because of me. I asked my son’s permission to share (provided I told you he is NOT suicidal any more) this but I’m thinking about it in large part because he has been suicidal in the past and today, he still has suicidal ideation. He’s on medication. He’s called a crisis hotline to talk. He was honest with me about how he felt. We removed all temptations from his life including removing all guns and ammunition from the house. If he was going to do it, I wasn’t going to make it easy.

He’s better now. The medication and counseling helped. He’s getting back on track with life. But I will never forget how I felt that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach the day he told me. I was in the hospital–again–and I couldn’t get to him to be there with him or for him. I spent a lot of time on the phone then I convinced him to call the crisis center, which he did for me, and said they said the same things I did–yay mom! I got something right there!

People are being more aware of suicide and I’m glad for that. It will save lives. There are people that are out there though, like Rissa and me who are tired of living but don’t want to die. What is that called? I don’t want to die and I’m  not going to kill myself but I am so goddamned tired of living life the way I have to. Every breath is a struggle. Every movement hurts. I hate living like that, but I do not want to die. That’s  not suicidal ideation, but it’s definitely sad and a horrible way to live.

But it works the other way too. See, my best friend’s mother was days away from dying and they were recommending hospice care for  her. But to qualify for hospice care, she had to withdraw ordinary care including dialysis. She was ready to die, even worked on letters and what she wanted to say to everyone and was at peace with the dying part, but she refused to withdraw treatment until she talked to a pastor she trusted because she thought withdrawing treatment was akin to suicide–she didn’t think she could get into heaven if she withdrew treatment. The pastor, thankfully, told her she would be all right with God if she stopped treatment and let God or nature take its course. She finally did and she passed peacefully after one really hard day and night but it could have been so much worse and longer if she had insisted on continuing this treatment course.

We show more compassion for our pets than we do for humans. When there is no quality of life left, nothing but pain and painful medical procedures to keep you artificially alive, there should be an option for legal and acceptable physician assisted suicide. This is death. People know it’s not a party–but sometimes living is too much, too hard,  nothing but pain and suffering. And that’s not fair to force someone to do that. Most doctors and many nurses who work with people in hospital settings will tell you that they will sign DNRs. They don’t want heroic measure to keep them alive in a bed on machines. They’ve seen it too many times and they want to die with some peace and dignity.

I’ve written an advanced directive and altered it just recently to specifically talk about ventilators because of covid-19. I don’t want to be kept artificially alive if there’s  no chance of coming back from that. If there is, bring me back. If there’s not, unplug me. I’m not scared of death. Being dead just puts me where I was before I was born, wherever or whatever that is, even if it’s nothingness, death doesn’t scare me.

But dying… that terrifies me. I’d rather know I can take it into  my own hands and say when I have had enough, bring my family and friends around me and say my amends and goodbyes and then drift off into the ether….or whatever is on the other side if anything.

Why is it illegal to kill yourself? It’s the one thing we can have complete control of that’s different than, say, animals. No other animal in the animal kingdom commits suicide except humans. I mean, none intentionally intending to bring about one’s own death. I wonder about that, what  makes humans unique like that?

But here’s the thing, people matter. Every bit of energy you put out  into the world creates a ripple effect that bounces off of other ripples that lead to things happening that you might not even be aware of. I wrote a blog post once that no one commented on at the time but a few years later, someone told me it saved their lives.

Let this be that blog post for someone else….

If you are thinking about suicide, having suicidal  ideation or just feel so overwhelmed that you want to give in, please get help. The suicide prevention hotlines are free and anonymous. They don’t use caller ID (their grants don’t allow it) and they won’t call the cops on you if that’s what you’re worried about. They even have texting now where you do a chat box with someone trained if you don’t want to do the phone. Call them or text them.

Know that you’re not alone. I know your pain. I haven’t ever wanted to die, but I do understand not wanting to live like you’re living and I understand needing change. I understand the deep numbing depression that can creep in and turn you into a zombie, in a really bad way. I get it. I feel you. But I’m on  medication and have had years of counseling and I feel safe. My son is safe.

Are you?

If not, start here:

 

And talk about it. Don’t be ashamed. Ask for help and people will reach out for you when you can’t reach out for yourself.

I will never forget when a friend of mine died days after I confronted her about not killing herself. I had a feeling. But I got jumped by mutual friends for being so blunt and I backed off. I regret that with everything inside of me because she died just days later. I knew better but everyone was so hush hush about suicide. To this day, they say she didn’t kill herself, but I know better in my heart. I don’t know if I could have saved her, I only know I wish I  had tried.

Try. If you see someone hurting, try. And know, because of my past, I am going to do everything I can to make sure you’re safe. And if that makes you hate me but keeps you alive, it is worth you. You matter, to me, to the world, to the universe as a whole. Let’s remove the stigma against suicide so we can talk about it openly and not be ashamed if a family member chooses to kill themselves–there’s no shame there, just pain and sadness. And let’s remove the stigma so those who are truly sick and dying can do so with dignity and peace.

Hey, you’re important to this world.

Stick around? Please? It does get better, I promise, but it might get harder before it does. That’s why I’m still here. It gets better.

I love you all. I need you all.

Love and stuff,

Michy