Today marks one week of covid19 isolation and staying on lockdown. I broke down and ordered food in today. I’ve been cooking at home for three weeks and I was just not feeling up to cooking, so we ordered from Door Dash a no-contact delivery. They literally knock on the door and leave it on the front porch without waiting for you to open it. I suppose that’s safer but if they touched it, they touched it, and it won’t matter if you open the door with them there or not. But every precaution counts.

I think of HOUSE MD when it used to be on and it would show how I virus spread by turning everything the virus was on green and you could see how it spread from person to person. Scary stuff. I can picture someone at the grocery store sneezing into his hand, touching the shelf for balance, just in front of the mashed potato powder mixes I told my son to get. The little green germs get on the box, the box comes home, gets on my son’s hands, then on the bowl the potatoes are mixed in, then on the spoon, then on the plate and silverware, then in my mouth…. I dunno, seems like a lot of hands to go through before it gets to me. Maybe that makes me feel a little bit better. Then again, maybe worse, if it’s that strong that it could survive all that to get me sick.

We’ve managed one full week of lockdown for the family and four weeks of my not leaving the house for any reason. Time begins to blur. I’m working hard on doing my physical therapy exercises when I think about them because I don’t want to lose what I’ve gained just because I’m sitting or lying around the house being lazy before I’m back to ‘normal’. Though I honestly will probably be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, I don’t want to lose the ability to stand and pivot, because that is what allows me to be the most ‘normal’. I can take steps at home from the recliner to the bed, across the room, etc., and I don’t want to lose that ability. But I don’t think I’ll ever go back to normal walking like I did before my injury.

What brings that up? Well, being on lockdown feels a little bit like it did when I shattered my ankle and couldn’t move, stand or DO anything for over 12 weeks. The days start to blur into one another, like there’s no end in sight to the oncoming boring drudgery of the day. I was in enough pain then I could sleep through the worst of it but this time I’m not in pain. I’m just bored out of my mind.

I am writing though, when I can, when the stroke symptoms let me. My hands are still shaky, but on a good day, I can type normally, albeit slower, for me. My hands still tremble and I catch double taps a lot, but a little tweak on the sensitivity of the keyboard (thank you geeky god Ryan–who knew you could do that?), and now I don’t double tap nearly as much. I do have to slow down because it makes pressing the shift key to capitalize a little more difficult, but still easier than leaving it on a more sensitive setting. A less sensitive setting on the keyboard worked wonders for my typing skills with the trembling hands.

I’ve been almost brave enough to sit at the piano and play…I want to see how I can do now. I think it would help me with conditioning my hands, like occupational therapy. Plus, it would give me something to do during the day when I’m bored. You can only cook and clean so much, and I’m limited to what can be done from a wheelchair so it’s less than you might think. But playing the piano is something I used to spend hours per day doing and I haven’t done it since the strokes, about a year ago. I miss it. It misses me. It’s part of who I am. I should do it.

I hesitated before because I worried I wouldn’t be able to play and that would mean I’d lost yet another part of me to the strokes. The strokes scared me…. worse than I can tell you. They weren’t supposed to happen and I’ve lost so much.

I’m scared of this coronavirus going around. I am scared. I’ve been on a respirator or ventilator while awake and I  know how horrible it can be. It’s not as easy as Grey’s Anatomy makes it look. They strapped my hands down and I couldn’t move because I was trying to pull the tube out of my throat because I was intubated. I don’t remember all of that. But I remember enough of it to know I don’t want to go through being on a ventilator and being awake, but I don’t want to die and not be able to say goodbye. So many scary decisions to think about, things I have to think about. Things everyone should probably think about.

Because if you think about it, maybe then you wouldn’t take crazy chances by not staying on lockdowwn as much as you can. Those who have to work, especially those in healthcare fields, stay safe. You’re my heroes.

 

Here’s to the start of the next week…. we’ll get through this together. I love and need you all.

 

Love and stuff,

Michy